Chapter One
When a woman enters into an abusive relationship, she enters unknowingly, with hopes and dreams. The abuser enamours her with his charm and charisma. He masks his inner demons and tempts her with the illusion of her deepest desires. As her new future unravels, the abuser’s mask falls to the floor; his demons revealed. The woman, often a mother by then, is left horrified with the discovery; the realisation she is embroiled in a charade. Her self-worth diminished, her personality eradicated; she leaves the relationship, anxious and scared. Her abuser’s lack of self-reflection, lack of empathy and need to control, drive his unfathomable, cruel behaviour.
She hopes and dreams for a different future now. One of safety, stillness and bereft of pain and fear. One where her child will grow up unharmed by the horrors they have witnessed and experienced.
The villain she fled must now rescue his crumbling facade; he plays wounded, he seeks sympathy from all who will listen. He fools many along his path of defamation and destruction and continues to harm her and the child. He provokes her and empowers himself. He recruits others, with dishonourable intentions, and they willingly assist him in taking her down.
Chapter Two
When she enters the family court, she enters with expectations. She seeks understanding, fairness and protection. Her new future awaits at the other end of the process; she strives to reach it quickly, for she is exhausted. She needs rest, she needs to heal, and she must parent.
In recent years a mother has been shocked at her and her child’s treatment in the family court. A review of the system (published June 2020) and an accompanying literature review by Dr Adrienne Barnett reveals the horrifying experiences.
Mothers leaving an abusive relationship and entering the family court system have faced humiliation, false accusations, blame and punishment, resulting in unsafe child contact. Their abuse was diminished, they were disbelieved and they and their children suffered further trauma. A mothers’ thoughts of her new, safe future drifted further after each court hearing.
For the battlefield she had to cross to protect herself and her child was full of traps and landmines, waiting to silence and destroy her. She would glance at the content abuser; powerfully protected, revelling in his ability to punch her down every time she attempted to rise and speak. She desperately pleaded to the judge and others in the system whom she trusted to set her and her child free from the post-separation abusive cycle. She was aghast when she realised the court had its demons too, lurking beneath the pillars. Her hopes of rest got crushed once more.
Chapter Three
But she was resilient, for when she was maltreated and oppressed there was still breath and fearlessness in her. She emerged once again, like a lotus in a murky pond, with her conscience intact and knowing her worth. For she had an innocent child to fight for; she would not get abused and silenced any longer. She sought validation, explanation, and change; for the day of branding, banishing, and burning women, she knew, had passed.
She recharged, she rose tall, and bravely entered a new battlefield together with those who could see the injustice and had the power to do something about it; for she was determined; this was not how her story was going to end, and this was not how it was going to end for others. The enemies they faced wore camouflage, concealing their objectionable beliefs well. The warriors had to suppress their anger and frustration; for when they raised their voices too loud, they got shot down; deemed hostile, bitter, and disgruntled. If they raised their voice with conviction, corroboration, and testimony, they were sniped, labelled, and discarded in their quest for freedom and fairness.
The misquotation goes, “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”, where betrayed women are deemed angry and vindictive. The betrayed mothers on this battlefield bore no spite; they were angry, they were disgusted, and they were bewildered. They were tortured by an unfair system that failed to protect the vulnerable.
How The Nightmare Ends
Societies attitude towards abuse is changing decidedly. Abusers facades are crumbling before our very eyes and the facades of those who protected abusers are crumbling too. The spotlight is swivelling and taking a new focus.
For many mothers and children, the damage is done; they cannot recoup the time they have lost with their child or happy childhood memories. They may not be able to heal the wounds they have both acquired. They deserve consideration; they deserve an apology, their cases reviewed, and compensation from the system that has caused so much pain over so many years.
For the warriors and their allies who started the movement and campaigned tirelessly; their recent accomplishment should not be forgotten. Some took an immense risk to speak up and tell their truth. Hell, hath no fury like a mother who has battled abuse and injustice, for when she raises her voice, in just the right place, at just the right pitch, then that voice has the power to start an avalanche.
The power of her voice, and the voices of the MP’s, charities, journalists, academics, lawyers and fellow survivors who rose to her side in battle, has given us hope. It has paved a healthier and safer path for mothers leaving abusive relationships and entering the family court. It has given us hope that bills before parliament will strengthen to protect the vulnerable, and hope that other countries will follow and take urgent action to review and rectify their failing systems.
Mothers and children entering the family court from now on deserve treatment with humanity and fairness. They deserve the opportunity to grasp their new future and embrace it. Unbeknown to these mothers, they will have the brave warriors and their allies to thank for the precious gift that awaits them and their child; a future of peace and prosperity, and one which is free from abuse.