Amy left her Spanish husband, Stefan, following years of controlling behaviour which escalated to physical violence. She fled to her sister’s house in the UK to break free from the invisible power cord holding her and Stefan together and determined to protect their daughter from harm. Amy found much-needed breathing space and started to plan where and how, as a separated family, they would heal and move forward.
The outcome for victims of coercive control and domestic abuse varies drastically depending on which path they find themselves upon leaving the abusive relationship.
It feels like there is no end in sight for parents trapped in unsafe family court-ordered contact arrangements. You are living in a constant state of stress; you are worried, scared and desperate to know how and when it will come to a close so that you can heal and rebuild your lives.
When women raise claims of abuse in the family courts, the judge will often appoint an expert to carry out an assessment and write a report to help guide their decision on contact or custody. That expert holds a tremendous amount of power; they can be a lawyer, a social worker or a mental health professional, and they become the eyes and ears of the court.
To all the mums out there trapped in family court proceedings and contact arrangements with a coercively controlling, narcissistic ex. I know you are suffering right now. I know how frustrating it is when no one believes you and no one can see what you see. It’s torturous when you are forced you to have a constant evil in your life.
Why is your coercively controlling ex so successful in overpowering you in the family courts? They are in control of the communications. Abusers take an exploitative approach to relationships and communications about your child’s school, health or contact arrangements present them with an opportunity to continue the post-separation abuse. When your ex remains in control, it keeps you, the empath parent, vulnerable and in a state of confusion and fear.
What happens when a parent raises claims of ‘abuse’ in a civil family court action and it gets counterclaimed with ‘parental alienation’ or similar?
Here’s what the experts say.
Your child turns twelve; they don't want to go to the abusive parent's house for half of the summer holidays; they start to resist contact. You face a dilemma; you are court-ordered to send them. You know if you complain to the court the judge will think you are bitter and trying to prevent contact.
One of the hardest things to do when you are feeling worried and stressed is to write a statement for the family court, which is 'judge friendly’. Judges and welfare reporters have unreasonably high expectations of parents claiming abuse and often don't realise how victims and abusers present. Your statement is your one chance to show the judge your true character, not the character the abuser is portraying you to be.
The family court can be a brutal environment for a mother who claims that her ex's abusive behaviour is causing her child to resist contact. There is a systemic bias in the system, and mothers are often approached with scepticism. Here are some critical points to consider if you have no option but to fight for the safety of your child and try to 'beat the bias';
When a child resists contact with an abusive father, the mother may raise an action in the Family Court to vary contact. When she does, her situation becomes frightening. The more she tries to prove her ex's controlling and dangerous behaviour, the more powerful he becomes.
The narcissist will use any given opportunity to extract an emotional reaction from you, the healthy parent. The narcissist knows the child is your Achilles heel and will happily use the child as a pawn to bait and torment you.
When the narcissistic parent prevents contact, doesn't allow the child to message you during their parenting time, or stands in the background of Facetime or Skype calls, it causes trauma to their child.
Anyone who tries to co-parent with a narcissistic, abusive ex knows that it is challenging to say the least; it consumes your life. There are steps you can take to make this journey less stressful. These steps will test your strength of character, but you are in this for the long run, and you can't escape it. Once you discover the long-term plan, you realise that while the narcissist feels like they are winning every time they break the rules, they are, in fact, self-destructing.
If you claim, in the civil Family Court, that your child is resisting contact due to Domestic Abuse or Child Abuse, then there is a risk that you will not be successful, if the abuser counterclaims with Parental Alienation.
A Family Court battle with a narcissist often results in a never-ending rollercoaster of emotions for you, the abused victim. Court proceedings will take their toll on your wellbeing. Your emotional and physical health can deteriorate rapidly.
Additional support to help easy your worry and stress and get the judge, lawyers and court reporters to see what’s really happening!
If you have separated from a cruel narcissist, then you already know that co-parenting is difficult at the best of times. The sadistic narcissist doesn't co-parent, they counter-parent. Every action they do comes from a place of coercion, anger, suspicion and vengefulness, with the intent to cause you distress. They are cunning, and they know how to play the Family Court system.