Amy left her Spanish husband, Stefan, following years of controlling behaviour which escalated to physical violence. She fled to her sister’s house in the UK to break free from the invisible power cord holding her and Stefan together and determined to protect their daughter from harm. Amy found much-needed breathing space and started to plan where and how, as a separated family, they would heal and move forward.
The family court judge resolves disputes between separated parents and regards the child's welfare as their paramount consideration when deciding child arrangements. Or so society is led to believe.
If you are a victim of a narcissistic individual, you are dealing with excruciating psychological and sometimes physical abuse, which society often doesn’t see. If you are in the family court system with this individual, then you are dealing with an extraordinary injustice, which society often doesn’t hear about. To be trapped in a cycle of abuse and to be harmed and silenced by a cruel and unfair system causes you to suffer enormously; I know it will push you to breaking point on more than one occasion.
Narcissistic abusers take an exploitative approach to relationships; they demand a constant source of adoration and attention from their partner. They target empathetic, nurturing individuals who will satisfy their needs.
To all the mums out there trapped in family court proceedings and contact arrangements with a coercively controlling, narcissistic ex. I know you are suffering right now. I know how frustrating it is when no one believes you and no one can see what you see. It’s torturous when you are forced you to have a constant evil in your life.
Why is your coercively controlling ex so successful in overpowering you in the family courts? They are in control of the communications. Abusers take an exploitative approach to relationships and communications about your child’s school, health or contact arrangements present them with an opportunity to continue the post-separation abuse. When your ex remains in control, it keeps you, the empath parent, vulnerable and in a state of confusion and fear.
Earlier this year, parental alienation proponents petitioned the Scottish Government to recognise Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) as a severe form of psychological child abuse. The syndrome has been rejected several times in legislation and was swiftly rejected once again, as was its surreptitious sister, Parental Alienation (PA)
Adult and child victims of domestic violence in the family court system get treated abhorrently; abuse is disbelieved, diminished and denied and evidence is covered up. Both child and adult victim are court-ordered into communication and contact with coercively controlling perpetrators. It delights the perpetrator and traumatises their victims, for years on end.
What happens when a parent raises claims of ‘abuse’ in a civil family court action and it gets counterclaimed with ‘parental alienation’ or similar?
Here’s what the experts say.
Many domestic abuse victims who flee dangerous relationships will end up in the civil family courts. Whilst criminal law in the UK has advanced in recent years, and made coercive control a crime, family law remains in the dark ages. Perpetrators use the family courts to continue their cycle of abuse, and the outdated system enables it.
Scotland is currently in the process of ground-breaking family justice modernisation. Yesterday, Minister Ash Denham passed the Children (Scotland) Bill with a unanimous vote. The government listened to charities, and survivors of domestic abuse and their children, and they are making radical reforms to help protect the vulnerable and to make the family justice system a fairer, kinder and safer world to enter. Ministers from all parties worked together with their focus firmly set on the best interests and welfare of the child; something survivors have desperately sought from those working in the family court system.
In the American family courts, conflict is monetized and parental alienation (PA) is big business; it gets pitted against domestic abuse (DA) to make money for unregulated experts, mediators, lawyers, and other services through a referral system. Children are being killed by abusive parents and those in power routinely turn a blind eye to harrowing story after story of children’s tragic deaths.
Real alienation (psychological abuse)
To be alienated from your child brings the most unimaginable pain. A highly narcissistic individual will put their needs to hurt their ex before the parenting needs of their child. A parent who attempts to alienate a child has a worrying lack of empathy which allows them to behave in an agonisingly cruel manner.
Psychologically unsafe and violent fathers are using the family court system to terrorise mothers. When a dangerous father can no longer wield power and control in the home, they revert to using the family court to continue their torment and abuse. Some judges and welfare reporters are abusing their position to protect and assist dangerous fathers at the expense of the safety of children.
A pattern emerged in the family courts of parental alienation (PA) raised as a response to domestic abuse claims. It resulted in brutal outcomes for mothers and children. The need for a child to maintain contact became a priority as society was subtly influenced to believe in a new stereotype; a hostile, vindictive mother; a woman scorned.
When a woman enters into an abusive relationship, she enters unknowingly, with hopes and dreams. The abuser enamours her with his charm and charisma. He masks his inner demons and tempts her with the illusion of her deepest desires; contentment, compatibility and fulfilment.
When a child resists contact with an abusive father, the mother may raise an action in the Family Court to vary contact. When she does, her situation becomes frightening. The more she tries to prove her ex's controlling and dangerous behaviour, the more powerful he becomes.
To be accused of Parental Alienation in a Family Court action is frightening, particularly if the accuser is also the abuser. Extremely narcissistic individuals will accuse their ex-partner of the behaviour which they are guilty. It's a form of manipulation which the narcissist is well versed. In a courtroom, with their charming façade, the narcissist will always win a battle of words. They are convincing, and they can deceive judges confidently. One must look deep into the evidence to find the truth.
If you have separated from a cruel narcissist, then you already know that co-parenting is difficult at the best of times. The sadistic narcissist doesn't co-parent, they counter-parent. Every action they do comes from a place of coercion, anger, suspicion and vengefulness, with the intent to cause you distress. They are cunning, and they know how to play the Family Court system.
In Intractable contact disputes (high conflict), the judge has a difficult decision to make, and one in which they shall seek expert advice to assist them. The Family Court and professionals involved can benefit from a deeper understanding of the changing behaviours in our society and how to recognise them in difficult cases; what appears to be an intractable contact dispute may in fact be a domestic abuse (risk) case; a good understanding of coercive control is required to make a contact decision which keeps the child safe from harm.
Leaving a coercively controlling relationship is one of the most stressful and painful times in life. If there is a child involved, dealing with the aftermath is worse. When the victim finds safety, stability and emotional freedom, it is quickly swiped from under them by the family courts. The victim and child are returned to a situation of vulnerability and become engulfed with worry and fear. They can get left in that precarious situation until the child becomes an adult.