An Open Letter to Family Court Mums Forced to Co-Parent with a Coercively Controlling Ex

February 5, 2021 Rachel Watson

To all the mums out there trapped in family court proceedings and contact arrangements with a coercively controlling ex. I know you are suffering right now. I know how frustrating it is when no one believes you and no one can see what you see. It’s torturous when you are forced to have a constant evil in your life. I know how horrifying it is to discover that the family courts are not always the protective and honourable institution you expected them to be. It is so painful when your evidence is disbelieved, ignored and diminished, and when they blame you and make you feel like it is your fault. I understand your anguish as you are forced to send your child into danger and then forced to stand by helplessly and watch them experience the same manipulation and control you experienced. I know your desperation to protect them, and for all this pain to end so life can resume; so you can find peace, happiness and safety. I know you are worried and scared.

It feels like your ex and the court take everything good in your life and destroy it, but they cannot take everything from you. You have an inner strength which brought you this far. You can gain insight from those who have walked down this path before you. You have the power to control how others see you, including your child – whether they see the person your ex wants them to see, or whether they see the person you want them to see. You have the power to deflect and prevent attacks; you can hold off, breathe, and be strategic with any necessary response. You have the power to deny your ex of anything they could use as evidence against you in court and replace that with something they can never use against you; kindness and reason. You have the power to plan and anticipate future moves. You have opportunities to show the court your child-focused nature, in person and on paper.

You have integrity and wisdom. You don’t need to defend yourself or your actions to anyone; you know the truth, your child will eventually discover the truth, and that is all that matters. You don’t need people in your life who drain your energy; you have the power to cut the cable between you and anyone who does. You have the power to give your child the tools to recognise and understand behaviour. You have the power to teach them kindness to others, self-reflection, and self-worth. You have the power to gain knowledge, and with knowledge comes strength of mind, and with strength of mind, the fear dissipates. As the fear dissipates, confidence returns. When you radiate kindness, child-focussed parenting and confidence, everything else falls into place, particularly with the family court.

When you are worried about what to do, sometimes doing nothing is the best thing to do; trying to force the outcome can sometimes prevent nature from giving you the outcome you so desperately want. Try to focus on the best possible outcome, not the worst. Your situation is desperately unfair, and you can’t change that, but you can mitigate the harm your ex and the court do to you and your child along the way. You are not alone; there is an army of warriors who are ready to take your hand and walk with you to the end. They are fighting hard behind the scenes to bring about change in the family courts. There is an end in sight, and you will look back on this time one day, and you will find the peace and stability you crave. Hang in there my friend; you can do this.

Rachel x